I am highly burdened right now. I realized I JUST blogged but that was only half of it. This goes back to my first blog of stating that I plan to be very raw, vulnerable and type things that most people would only put in their journal. I pray God uses anything that’s typed for His Kingdom. That through His grace I may be transparent and rip of the masks that I love to hide behind so that my image only be found through Him.
Mondays are the hardest for me. Sunday is full of joy, fellowship, laughing, relationships, hang out sessions- which is incredible! It’s my favorite day of the week. By Monday (when everyone goes back to work) I have the day off and have time to think about and process “leaving” these things. I can get through about half the day and be fine. I usually get coffee with someone, run errands, clean etc. but by evening right before my Monday night group I am heavy hearted and can barely socialize. I am reminded of what I’m saying “bye” to.. I want to shut down and not invest into relationships that I know I’m physically leave in just a few short weeks. Why invest into something that I know I’m leaving? Shouldn’t I put a wall up? I don’t think I can handle 3 weeks of being here and handle the emotions of transitioning back to OH. I sort of wish I’d just packed up and left so I didn’t feel stuck in the middle of an awkward transition. At the same time the other half of my heart wants to soak up every moment I have left here. How in the world is an emotional, anxiety driven person like myself supposed to handle that? Coffee dates, dinner, phone conversations, group sessions, church services.. These are the things that mostly consume my time here and are becoming the hardest things I encounter.
I know I have to have grace on myself.. This seems to be a big change and that I’m responding normally (for me). Maybe it’s because I’m the one going through it, but I’d like to think if it was anyone else they’d be going through the same stages. I’ve not had many conversations with people who have moved but I think I should start to because it’s nice to speak with people who relate to what you’re going through.
I’m sitting in Jubala (coffee shop) on the verge of tears… (The follow is me dialoging with God). God how do I this? Am I handling this “right”? I am sorry if these raw and bipolar emotions are byproducts of my lack of trust in You. I need you to support my heart because I can’t handle this. My heart aches and my eyes want to burn with tears. My chest feels tight and my anxiety/depression wants to get the best of right now, but I know that’s the enemy. Help me to enjoy my remaining time here yet process through things in a healthy manor. I could royally screw this up if I don’t depend on you. Thank you for surrounding me with people who have open hearts and ears to listen to my redundant fears, emotion and difficulties. Give me safe places to cry, moments to laugh, times to pack and abilities to enjoy everything I’m around. I need help breathing and have the ability to crumble into Your arms made of love. I have to believe I’ll be apart of a church body that will fit similarly to the way Journey Church has seemed to fit for me… I need to trust You, but fail to see how I can possibly maintain joy the next 3 weeks and not be consumed by sadness. Here I am Dad.. I am broken, burdened, on the verge of sobbing, a heart full of aches and sadness, and filled with more emotions than I can handle. Allow me to take it a day at a time and rest in Your peace and goodness. Help me to be transparent yet strong through the blood of Christ in my weaknesses. You are my anchor and my warrior. There is a spiritual warfare surrounding me, and I ask for Your angels of protection. You are faithful and consistent- thank You for thinking of me and creating a life that allows me to be apart of Your Kingdom. For using my brokenness for Your Kingdom and glory. Who am I? Who am I to be apart of this plan? For whatever reason you’ve called me to be apart of it, and have greatly used North Carolina for Your plan. Now I need you to lavish me with peace and joy as I transition into something that seems unstable and scary. Use this time for preparation. I surrender to Your ways and Your ways alone.. I am nothing but a shelled body without the blood of Christ and the Holy Spirit. I am to trust in You and You alone. I am scared and thank you for being okay with that.
Woosh! I think that’s enough for now.